eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
whose ass print is on the piano?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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