R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
