apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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