youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
