your room smells of hookers.
And success
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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