I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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