I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
