it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
