He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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