He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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