You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
