dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
