I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
