If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
