im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
