I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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