she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
