i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
