My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
