what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
