everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
