im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
