found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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