I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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