Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
