Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
