i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
