Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
