how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this just has baby written all over it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone came in the potted fern
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
