so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize