It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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