Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
