Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sext me about skeletons
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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