if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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