My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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