I murdered the dance floor call the cops
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
