So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
