just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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