Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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