Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
