Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
