I'm going to rape someone's good day.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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