: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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