Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My dick has a subreddit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
