When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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