remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
