Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
