Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
