Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
