I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
