I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
