he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
