That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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