Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
