My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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