i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
