Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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