i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
