Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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