If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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