apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
